Special Needs?

I really really loathe this term. Special needs is the same as saying somehow your kid has defects. I do not think my kid is defective, anymore than my other kids have defects. Their defects happen to be different...like they are defective at cleaning their rooms when I ask them. All kids have a special need, the special need to be loved. So if one child has special needs does that mean my other kids needs are not so special? So my kid doesn't eat right, gain weight and gets constipated without medicine daily. He wears plastic braces on his ankles to help strengthen his legs. He can't jump up and down, strangers can't understand anything he says. But this is just him. Hes not bound to a wheel chair or have tubes running in and out. I know there are kids out there with needs far more specialized than my own child. This I guess is why I hate the term. I know people with kids with debilitating diseases that will not be getting better. People that have to take kids to the hospital weekly for more than just ear infections. I just don't feel normal functioning kids are any more special than normal kids without behavior, speech and learning delays. Maybe it makes them unique from their peers but my gifted, learning excelled child is just as special as my delayed speech, milestone and learning child. Her needs are just as special as his. Just sayin...

My daughter's story....

My daughter is a brave little girl. Shes so much stronger than she lets on. She doesn't remember when her dad and I were married like her brother does. Though his memories aren't the best because he mostly remembers fighting and still to this day clams up when anything confrontational happens between his dad and I. Their father angers me. Hes a manipulative, selfish man. I knew he would be married shortly after out divorce...which he was. He needs someone to take care of him. Sadly he found the opposite. I am sure his wife is a nice lady with many issues. Just more than a year ago I discovered something horrible had happened while they were visiting...which is only a few times a year, thankfully. I knew things had become very strange in their fathers household. There were werid things going on, like stepmom being sent away to some mental facility for emotional distress. Her loss of custody of her own kid. When I asked I was told not to worry but her ex husband was just a jerk. Um ok...cause that usually is a good enough reason to lose your child. Anyway an evening discussion about why my daughter was freaking out because we were having a summer evening cocktail on a warm night turned into a deep discussion of an instance that happened a year or so prior. I am still not sure of the date...

My daughter had freaked out a couple times when we had alcohol. Now we are not very big drinkers, maybe once or twice a month at most. Usually more in the summer when its hot out. One night it really bothered her and since this was becoming more of a thing with her I sat her down and explained that we didn't have any problems and asked her if she ever thought we had done anything we shouldn't have while having a cocktail, beer or glass of wine. We never have more than a couple each and we never get drunk. We never go for a drive while drinking. We never argue or fight. Actually you couldn't be so normal or boring as we are having a drink or two.

During our conversation of why it bothered her she kept saying alcohol makes a person crazy. I agree that yes sometimes people act crazy but my worry became who she had witnessed with a problem like this as we don't really drink often enough, or have them anywhere where others are drinking till they go nuts. She said that her stepmom used to drink a lot. And would get "kooky". Then it dawned on me that the stint in the mental facility was likely rehab and not because of personal issues, well I suppose that would fall in that category.

Come to find out there was a specific instance where she became suicidal and for whatever reason decided to take her life. I don't know all of the gritty details and frankly I don't want to know. But somehow my daughter was worried about her stepmom when she wasn't home that she became focused on them finding her. Not exactly sure what led her to believe her stepmom was in danger but the girl does have my perceptive genes and likely had a feeling that wouldn't go away. This has happened to me a lot. I feel bad I didn't sense it at the time as well. They ended up finding her stepmom in a park, passed out from booze and sleeping pills. I guess it was bad enough that the paramedics barely saved her. So my poor daughter although stricken with this experience has now saved a life. And they keep reminding her...or she keeps reminding herself when she is with them. My daughter is the best, I do agree. But somehow this haunts her. I see it in her eyes. She brings it up to me and cries as if she feels guilt. She shouldn't feel guilt, she should feel it was a gift. I don't understand it. Though I feel anger towards the adults in the situation. Mostly their dad. I can almost understand having to drink and probably would if I were still married to him. But he told them they must never tell me. Because if I knew then they could never see their dad again. Really? He made that choice...the choice to guilt them into lying to me for more than a year. I could tell my son was carrying a burden but didn't push him, until my daughter slipped that night when she freaked out about our summer cocktails. Then they both cried and told me what happened. It's probably a good thing he lives more than 4 hours away because I would have drove to his house to yell at him. How dare he make them feel bad about telling me something. Then his wife had the nerve to call me when I made a facebook post about my ex's crazy drama and not wanting any part of it...she thought I was insulting them till she got an earful of yeah I know what happened and I hate you all for hurting my kids and subjecting them to this horrible situation and making it worse by forcing them to lie and keep this from me. Then I pretty much said I was no longer pushing for his visits. If he wants a visit he needs to ok it and plan it. Any trust I had in him is gone. So now when they visit and after they come home I resist asking what happened but instead try and be positive. The urge to straight up ask is difficult but I told the kids I trust them to tell me anything in the future. But when my daughter is moody and unhappy when she gets home, it makes me worry and wonder if anything happened. I just remind her she can tell me anything, I wont keep them from their dad. I just want to keep them safe.

My son, God bless him, did make a decision. After the rehab stint she fell off the wagon again I guess and ended up in jail. Again not knowing a bunch of details... I guess my son told his dad that if his stepmom ever drank again in his presence he would never ever come visit again. I am very proud of him. And no as much as it sounds like I put him up to that I didn't. He also said that his dad should have got divorced long ago...or he would have if he were his dad. Honestly misery loves company and maybe they work dysfunctionally well together. I don't care what they do as long as my kids are not involved. Maybe I am paranoid when they visit, but I think I have a right to be. No matter what they are my kids, I have raised them and I have to fix his mistakes.

Awhile back I called to get them into counseling because of the suicide attempt and their witnessing of it. I was told that I have to have permission from their father even though he doesn't have custody. How f'd up is that? I really think my daughter needs it. Maybe it will help to talk things out with someone. I need one that will do it without her dads permission because he doesn't believe in it. After all a couple months after cheating on me he quit marriage counseling and told me to "just get over it already". I decided that I didn't want to and I would rather get a divorce. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, well shame on me again...third time means I am done with you because I no longer trust you and you won't be hurting me again. I am sure hes told a bunch of lies about that too...eh not my problem because *I* know the truth. Actually I am glad. I learned a great lesson and I am in such a much better place now. Relationships do not have to hurt you. I am in the best one ever and we never argue or fight and we love spending time together. Yes it is possible.

I just want my daughter to feel guilt free. I do hope it hasn't screwed her up. Had I known about it when it happened I could have asked for intervention and counseling for them both. Now that its been several years, I think who knows if they have forgot it mostly or not. I wish I had the magic pen that the MIB did to erase memories. Maybe it will help them later in life? I certainly hope there was a reason for this for them to learn from.