I just don't know...

It's really hard to talk about sometimes. I wonder if there isn't more I should be doing? I have finally had to admit (to myself) that G is not going to be ready for mainstream school next fall. Not only is he super small, he just doesn't understand things other kids do. I am so tired of fighting teachers and doctors who's response is mostly "he'll be fine". You really cannot expect my child to wash his hands and get in a line without a reminder. He can't color or write his name. He doesn't even want to try because his little flexible hands can't maneuver pens and such. Then there is the whole can't smell issue...how do we cope with this? How do we teach him that other people can smell things and he never will? How do we teach other people that he has no idea what a flower smells like, or home made cookies? How did he bond to us as an infant without smelling? Did it happen later? Was he 1 or 2? Did he fall and hit his head to cause this? Was he born that way? It's really hard not to just cry for him. How can I fix this? I am trying so hard to be strong and fix everything that comes up to make life normal for him but how can I make this better? Could be worse, it can always be worse. What if there is a fire? He can't smell the smoke. Maybe we should avoid a home with gas in it, he could never spot a gas leak. How as a mom can I make this better?

He got sick over the weekend. Not sick sick just noticed he lost his appetite, well what he has of one. He went almost 24 hours without urinating. After a trip to urgent care and a rash and ER visit later we have nothing. I am hoping it was indeed nothing. Still can't get him to eat much. Do I sit on him just to shove a few bites of turkey in his mouth? I hate when people judge that you are a horrible parent based on what you feed your kid. I find it awesome you can get your kid to eat some tofu and organic juice. Mine won't even drink juice or eat vegetables. Of course now knowing he has anosmia and can't smell anything makes more sense as to why he won't eat things that are pretty normal for even a picky child. But again, how do I fix this? This could be another reason for FTT but why? Why? I just want some answers. I just want a reason. Something to point us in the right direction, a reason that will allow him some extra attention in school. I worry now even more. But I am just happy that he is such an awesome kid. Even when he should be feeling pain and discomfort he will smile and appreciate the music in his heart. I just want to make things easier for him. Just not sure how...

New Doctor, Same Issue

We found a new specialist and of course jumped through all the hoops to get the referral and make a new appointment. Of course weeks in advance we asked for records to be sent to the new facility so that the specialist can take a look and we won't have to repeat 4 years of medical history by memory in 10-20 minutes. Then ironically while we were speaking with the specialist the other hospital called to ask questions on where to send the referred information...really? Ugh! Thankfully they faxed a good portion, just as we were leaving. Not that it helped now but hopefully at his follow up appointment it will.

She took another x-ray of his abdomen to check to see if he had any constipation still. We figured maybe a little but since he takes medicine daily he should be fairly good. Well, I was wrong.



He has 5.5 cm of poo lodged in his rectum. It was all I could do not to cry. She decided that we needed to do an enema ASAP (at home) and gave us more instructions, and medicine lists to give him in the next few weeks so we can follow up with her in a month to see if hes any more "cleaned out".

The enema, milk and molasses. Not just for cookies. It scared me to do this but we did it. Thanks to wonderful daddy support. I could not have done that on my own. I swear this kid will need therapy one day. "When I was 4 I remember my parent's holding me down and shoving something warm and sticky up my bum that smelled like cookies." So wrong. Picking up more meds soon and hopefully he will not turn into a runny mess of poo in the next few weeks, but then again better than a stuffinyourrectum mess of poo that he has been suffering with for well, his whole life. No thanks to the many doctors at VMC that refused to listen to us, and finally one at the ER that did. Anyhow, he was rewarded with some KFC and a cheese stick. We promised to play rock band with him tonight as well. Poor kid, but it could be worse right?

I R Suck. Update and Update.

Seriously the blog thing has not been happening like I would like. I have lots to say but really not sat down to write it out. Here is the mini update for the year.
Finished college in June just 2 days before my youngest turned 4. (Where did that time go?) I got a degree and 2 certificates. Of course I didn't have to worry about finding a job, because I always had one. One I might add that I am very grateful for. Everyone gets along, usually. They understand needs to leave for medical appointments for my child with hypotonia and other medical issues, specialists and ongoing speech therapy. But it is good to be done. I *thought* I would have a ton more time for stuff like blogging, and ebay...HAH! Yeah no...not sure how I coped before with homework and everything school, work and family.

Moving on...G turned 4. He is doing pretty well progressing with his delays. Still not on the level of other kids his age but not too noticeable to others that meet him. Potty training is the big frustration now. He can pee every time, usually. But pooh is another story. He freaks out, tells me he doesn't know how, runs, hides...UGH! It is hard to tell whether he is internally damaged (Thanks to the wonderful doctors that wouldn't listen) or just fearful, or maybe a little of both. We hope that he makes progress before next fall when he is supposed to start kindergarten.

KC did another summer at theater camp (maybe that is where my time went?). She LOVED it. She even had a lead role with a singing solo. I certainly would love to get her some lessons and maybe get her involved in more theater stuff. It costs money which is scarce these days thank to a certain person that refuses to help with things that...well never mind. Tay spent the summer at my parents working as a laborer. He also helped other family members out and earned some cash. It was good for him. He turns 18 in a few weeks. CRAZY. I am so not old enough for him to be my kid. He has a lot to do this year. He needs to pick a college, we need to do some senior pictures. He has some super hard classes, calculus...physics. ACK! KC is taking algebra in 6th grade...I am not smart enough to help with homework anymore.

I also came to a realization that maybe I knew but never really sat down to ponder. My oldest will be graduating from high school on June 13. The day before his baby brother turns 5, yes FIVE! This means one graduates and another begins. HOLY F()
Speaking of the above mentioned grandmother, we also lost her this year as she left to join my grandfather. She had a broken heard for the last 4-5 yrs. My mother, bless her heart, took care of her until the day she died. Spending nights with her at home and even in the hospital till she took her final breath. There is another story to this I will tell later.

The rest of the year will be busy too. My son turns 18, my daughter will be 12 in a couple months, then Christmas....oh my.

But for now I am going to sign off. More to come!

It's WAY too early...

My oldest is taking his PSATs today. 7:30 sharp on a Saturday morning. Its a reality check for me because he will be heading off to college soon. Makes me very sad but my hopes is that I have raised him to be a good guy and respectful. We had a college chat and I told him to think seriously before deciding on a college. He has his heart set on moving in with his dad on the other side of the state. This is great but the one thing I worry about is his dad sabotaging his education. His dad already told me that he didn't think parents should pay for college for their kids, or be responsible for it. This makes me worry that he will not only NOT pay for college but also charge him some kind of rent for living there. Which is funny because I know his parents paid for him to go to college and never charge him any rent. Even when he was 22 his mom offered to pay for his college if he went back to finish his AA degree. So I don't know where his ideas come from. I don't even want to bring it up with him because it will be a fight. I must let our son approach him.

I did prepare Taylor for the possibility that he would receive more financial grants living with me, as my income (at least currently) is much lower than his dad's. I don't think it will make a difference. I also told him to go to college for what makes him happy...not just to get any piece of paper. He should know this now instead of when hes old like me.

As a mom I have so many different worries for my kids. It is such a wide spectrum of worry based on their ages. Taylor approaching college, Kaitlyn approaching her teen years, Graydon approaching potty training. I am always taking care of everyone, sometimes I forget myself. I don't think anyone notices, so its not a big deal. So much on my plate. So many worries about how to be so many different places at the same time. School is so overwhelming. I hear people talk about how busy they are and laugh to myself at their slightly few things on the list. They have no idea. I used to think I was busy. Then I had another kid, and started college. We really need to get another car, but not sure how we will afford the extra insurance on the 2 potential drivers. Things are tight as it is.

I sometimes get down because I don't think I am doing a good job. Well more than sometimes... I also feel like I have abandoned my friends because life is so busy and none of them want much to do with me anymore. My dad likes to put me down which is fine, I am used to that. My life is crap because I don't own my own home. WTFE. I am happier than I have been in years but I would be even happier if I had more time to enjoy it. I don't talk to my other family much, except my mom. I used to be close to everyone but we have all drifted with age and families of our own. I think of emailing my cousin but then I think they probably don't really want to hear from me. I hate facebook anymore. No one comments, no one cares, why do they even have me as friends? I worry about my mom. She is not at all healthy. She hides what is truly wrong with her. She pops her heart pills like pez. She cannot walk across a street without being totally winded. Listen kids, this is what smoking does to you...even if you quit 20 years ago. It slowly kills you. And your family has to watch it happen. It makes me cry. My mom has always been there for me and I can never repay her for everything, especially the times she stuck up for me when my dad is being a jerk. I love my dad and he will always help me when I need it but he has never been a nice person. There is always a catch, usually to be subjected to emotional or verbal assaults. But hes a nice guy...lol. Makes me wonder how I ended up (finally) with a great guy. I broke the cycle. I can accept my dad because hes my dad, and I know that he is that way for a reason. I think it made me realize that I don't want that in my own relationships, thankfully I found that. I appreciate my life and am so grateful I have great kids and a great guy. Somehow I must find a way to make friends with others again. *now accepting applications* Users and abusers need not apply. (I do have a few really good friends that I know are there for me and we accept that life is busy to be joined at the hip.) Thanks guys!

Failing...

Well not in my class, yet. I just might if I can't finish my work though. Graydon had never been to preschool, daycare or anything like it until February this year. I figured he would do well playing with his "fwends" and he did at first. But I think hes lost, too many kids. Even though its just 4-5 hours spent there. He started acting out and throwing things, or at least them mentioned it. I blew it off because hes not normally like that. I figured he was copying other kids. Graydon is very much into copying others. He is behind on his development in speech and motor skills but they have always said his cognitive level is on time. He thinks, figures things out, just cant communicate it with people who are not used to how he speaks.

So now hes is throwing things, just at daycare, on a consistent basis. Not sure what to do because hes not at all like this at home or anywhere else we go for that matter. He usually is trying to hug and kiss the girls he meets at appointments or in random public settings. Its so frustrating because the daycare had stripped him of his comfort items. The wouldnt allow him his blakey and binkie. Though I brought them daily in his bag. They finally relented on the blankey but only for nap time. What do I do? I have never had a problem with this. I would really love the feedback from others if possible. I plan to talk to his speech therapist today and her supervisor to see what they think. Help! I feel like I am failing as a mom.